Inside the Dark Room

2003-09-10T12:20:00.000+08:00

"I'm a Meteor Garden fan. I have them tattooed in my arm."

Hahahaha.

2003-08-18T09:02:00.000+08:00

Mga Kuwentong Masscom

Para sa Iyo, Crush kong Bobo

Naaalala ko pa nung una kitang nakita sa ating kolehiyo na kilala bilang College of Song and Dance (aka. "MassCom"). Pangit ka pa noon sa paningin ko. Isa ka lang ordinaryong 6-footer na nagmumukhang di ordinaryo dahil basketbowl pleyer ka. Pake ko dun! Eh mukha ka naming intsik na siopao. Galit ako sa mga basketbowl pleyers noon. Tingin ko sa kanila eh parang mga naglalakad na tuod na walang laman ang utak. (heps, heps, bawal mag-react). Pero noong mga sumunod na araw, kasabay din ng pagbago ng mundo ang pagbago ng itsura mo (wow dude, deep). You weren't just a typical bball-player looking guy... you were exceptional. Yak! Eh kung sabuyan ko kaya ang sarili ko ng asido sa sobrang kakornihan ko! Pero hindi nga, napansin ko, cute ka rin naman pala at ayon sa Globe commercial: "May potential...". Hindi ako mahilig tumambay sa Maskom noon. Pero nung ma-realize ko na ala-eh, crush na pala kita... mali, type na type na pala kita (peksman!), ginawa ko nang ritwal ang pagtambay sa ating beloved College of Mass Communication.

Pero wag naman sana lumaki ang ulo mo. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang inaabangan ko dun. *dagok! Aray! Wushu! Ehehe. Istayl kong bhulok. Pero bakit ba ako nag-aalala na lalaki ang ulo mo eh sa sobrang pagka-dense mo, malamang hindi mo rin mage-gets na ikaw ang tinutukoy ko! Eh gusto mo pa atang hagisan kita ng bola istrayt sa mukha mo para lang magising ka sa nakakabulag na katotohanan... nakakabulag dahil sadyang nakakabulag ang aking kagandahan. Ahahahaha. Pati ata ako nabaliw na. That is your effect on me...

You drive me crazy, I just can't sleep
I'm so excited, I'm into deep
Owohow crazy, but it feels alra-I-yayt
Baby thinkin' of you keeps me up all night!

Baby, I'm so into yo*$%... Ak, ak!!! Sige, titigil nako!

Kasabay nang pagtambay ko sa Maskom at sa paghahangad na maaninag ang maputi (at minsa'y pimpol-in) mong mukha, nakakilala ako ng mga bagong kaibigan. Oo mga kaibigan. Kaibigang kaharutan, kakulitan, kaasaran, at kasamahan sa pagkain ng lunch sa kantin ng Music at ng balls ni Manong Romeo (ops, bawal mag-isip ng bastos!). Kaibigang kasama sa pagpapaka-epileptik at pagpapaka-baliw, habang sinasayaw ang kanta ni Michael Jackson na "Who's Bad?!" at pini-perform ang "Bal-bal" movements. Karamay ko rin sila sa paghangad na magkasama tayo, kahit man lang sa tabi ng railings ng Maskom. Garave, as in garave, hindi ko alam kung saan mo namana ang sobrang pagka-dense mo. Hindi ka naman kaya nilublob ng nanay mo sa tubig nung bata ka o kaya sa naglalagabgab na mantika? Aba! Eh tipong ipagsigawan ko na at ng mga kaibigan ko ata ang dakilang pagnanasa, este pag-ibig ko sayo, di mo pa rin ma-gets! Anak ng tipaklong naman! Hindi pa ba obvious ang "last 2 minutes" cheer ng mga kaibigan ko?! Kailangan pa ba naming kantahin ang peborit song namin para sayo (na may kasama pang choreography to match) na: "_O__, _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!" para lang ma-realize mo na ikaw, oo ikaw, ang gusto ko? (Oo nga pala, galingan ninyo sa game niyo ha. *kindat, kindat). Hehehehehe.

Sayang. Sayang at walang nangyari sa atin. Sayang at hindi mo man lang naramdaman ang aking makapigil-hiningang yakap, ang aking masarap na halik, ang is-mooth kong balat sa iyong magaspang na balat (ano?!), ang hubad kong katawan sa hub@&^... Huwhaaatt? Bastos! Hehe. Oki, I shall istop.

Sayang at mas pinili mo yung babaeng iyon! Eh mas cute naman ako sa kaniya ha! At mas matangkad pa! Masmadaling I-kiss! Huwaaat?! Haha. I'm bitter. I know. Sige nga, use 'bitter' in a sentence. "Hay, after 24 hours of exercising, I feel so much bitter now" or "Ma'am, do you prefer margarine or bitter (pronounced as 'bEtter', longkatoots-style)?" Hahahahahaha.

Korni.

Pero hindi nga. Sayang at hindi tayo nagkakilanlan ng lubusan. Hanggang tingin lang ako sayo. (Sana man lang ikaw rin). Kung hindi dahil sa panunukso ng partner mong anak-ng-isang-fofular-na-basketbowl-pleyer-noong-Crispa-days-pa-at-hindi-naman-pinapasok-sa-laro-dahil-sablay-ang-tira, hindi mo na siguro ako napansin on that (un)eventful day of February 14, 2003 around 4 in the afternoon. Kinilig pa naman ako nun.

Shucks.

2003-08-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

Biyaheng Makati, Tuloy-Laway, Atbp.

Sanay na ako sa pagpila. Anak ng UP ata ito tsong. Susme, kung magawi ka man sa UP, lahat nang pupuntahan mo doon eh may pila. Mapa-xerox, registrar, drinking fountain, CR, terminal ng jeep, terminal ng tricycle, enrollment, kainan, rock concert, pop concert, senti concert, concert ng mga bading, concert ng mga tibo, concert ng mga aktibista at concert ng mga 'sosyal'-ista. Kahit nga ang hit na hit na Oblation Run, pinipilihan din, lalo na ang mga launching ng mga bomba films sa Film Center, "Starring Assunta de Rossi in 'Red Diaries' and Maui Taylor and Rica Peralejo in...". Pukanemshet yan o! Pero sige, wala na rin akong reklamo. Mas okey na ang may pila kaysa mag-asal aso na nag-aagawan sa buto ang mga tao di ba?

Eh bakit ko ba pinag-uusapan ang pagpila? Wala lang. Trip lang... Kasi sa pagpasok ko sa umaga goin' to work you know, pila sa pag-abang ng FX/L300/StarEx papuntang Makati ang bumubulaga sa akin. Minsan kung susuwertehin ay hindi na kailangang pumila. Pasok nalang direcho sa malamig na interior ng FX o L300 o StarEx. Para kang nakasakay sa schoolbus na pangmatatanda kapag lulan ka ng FX. Ang pinagkaiba lamang nito sa mga schoolbus talaga eh, hindi kayo closey-close ng mga kasama mo. Hindi mo sila puwedeng lokohin, kilitiin, pitikin sa tenga, kurutin sa puwet. Where's the fun da-bah? Eh pano, deins naman kayo magkakakilala. Eh alam namang chikahin ko to death na parang bata ang katabi ko? Baka titigan lang ako nun o kaya tarayan. Kahiya naman ata yun.

Sa loob ng FX, apat lang ang ginagawa ng mga pasahero: a) matulog, b) magdasal, c) makinig ng cd sa discman o kaya radio via-celfone at d) tumitig - tumitig sa pader ng FX, sa sahig, sa pintuan, sa bintana (sabay tanaw sa malayo tapos mag-senti), sa sapatos ng katapat mo, sa bag ng katabi mo at sa legs nang makita mong chick at gwapo. Titig-galore lang kayo hanggang sa tuluyang manuyo ang mga muta ninyo.

Ako? Minsan nakatitig rin lang. Pero madalas kong ginagawa ang option B - nagdadasal. Wushu! Pero di nga, nagrorosaryo habang paunti-unting pumipikit ang mga mata at minsan ay nakakatulog na. Kapag nilalabas ko nga ang rosary ko, parang alien ang tingin sakin ng mga kasama ko. Titigan ba raw ako? Rosary lang ang hawak ko at hindi isang zapperoid na puwedeng gamitin para matunaw ang mga pasaherong usisera na kasabay ko. Wala man sa itsura ko ang nagdadasal, eh marunong naman ako nun. Minsan lang sa sobrang antok ay napagjajambol-jambol ko na ang mga misteryo ng rosaryo. Sorry po ulit, tao lang. Hindi naman siguro nakasalalay sa pagbigkas ko ng rosaryo ang pagpunta ko sa langit o impyerno... da-bah?

Pagkatapos ko magrosaryo eh direcho tulog na ako. Hanep. Feeling ko naman ang layu-layo ng biyahe ko, eh hanggang Makati lang naman. Pero pake niyo ba! Eh kulang ako sa tulog nung isang gabi eh, kaya binabawi ko na lang sa FX. Ang bad trip lang sa pagtulog sa FX? Yung hindi mo maiwasan na mapahilig sa katabi mo tapos biglang magigising ka nalang kasi sinisiko ka na nang katabi mo (sabay kasama ang isang mapangtunaw na tingin na nag-uumapaw sa katarayan o kasupladuhan). Kaka-conscious di ba? At di lang yun, yung hindi ka man mahilig sa katabi mo eh parang uuga-uga naman ang ulo mo kasabay ng pag-uga ng FX. Para kang rocker na nasa mosh pit at sayang-saya sa pag-head bang. Mukha kang tanga nun, for sure. Pero ang malupit, eh yung makatulog ka sabay tuloy ng laway. Yak noh!!! Pero aminin! Marami sa atin ang naka-experience ng ganon. Eh pano ba naman, kapag tulog tayo, hindi naman natin mako-kontrol ang ating mga saliwary glands na magpumigil gumana. Yun ngalang, kapag nangyari yun, wa-poise ka. As in! Minsan nangyari na sa akin yun. Kadiri. Yakness. Pero buti nalang gabi nun at naka-itim ako kaya di napansin ng mga kasama ko na tumulo laway ko. Hahahahaha! Gud. Pero wag, amoy laway naman ako. Ehehe.

May nakalimutan pala ako. Under ng option C ay ang sub-option na C.1: pagkanta kasabay ng pakikinig sa discman o radyo sa telepono. Parang mga kuwentong-utot yan eh. Yung tipong akala mo hindi ka naririnig ng mga kasama mo sa jeep o FX na umutot dahil sa sobrang lakas ng volume ng cd mo at feeling mo nalulunod ng volume ng cd mo ang tunog ng utot mo. Ganun din yun sa pagkanta. Tanga ka kung di mo mapansin yun. Pero minsan naman may ibang nilalakas ang pagkanta deliberately. Well, hindi naman talaga yung malakas na tipong iskandaloso na. Yung lakas na rinig lang ng mga 3-4 na mga pasahero, proximity-wise. Still, dyahe pa rin yun.

Sa biyaheng papuntang Makati, maraming puwedeng mangyari. Marami ring puwedeng gawin. Mamili ka nalang sa mga nabanggit ko. O kaya ikaiy mag day-dream.

Bow.

2003-08-08T15:40:00.000+08:00

*smile*

Strange Brew

Sa umaga man o kahit na anong parte ng araw, hindi ako umiinom ng kape. Depende na lang siguro kung inaantok na ako at may kailangan pa akong gawin o tapusin, at hindi maaaring unahan ako ni Morpheus sa pagyakap at pagdala sa aking sa kamunduhan ng pagtulog.

Pero ngayon, nahihilig na ako sa pag-inom ng kape. Siguro dahil uso dito iyon sa ofis. Makikita ko ang mga ofismeyts ko na sarap na sarap sa pagsipsip ng Coffee Jelly frap. Noong bago pa ako sa ofis, mega buy rin ako ng Coffee Jelly frap at iced Caramel Macchiato. Pero ngayon, dahil nagtitipid, si mr. Great Taste at Nescafe nalang ang iniinom ko. Ganon rin naman yun eh. Mahal lang sa Starbucks kasi Starbucks yun. Ihalo mo ang Nescafe sa isang baso ng ice at ilagay mo sa blender, tapos lagyan mo ng whipped cream sa ibabaw, frap na rin yun! Hindi na nila mapapansin. Mambola ka nalang at sabihin mong gumamit ka pa ng high-quality coffee beans na kinuha mo pa from the deep forests of Mt. Nicaragua at siguradong bibilhin ng tao ang cheap mong kape.

Ewan ko ba kung anong meron sa kape pero tuwing pagkatapos kong uminom ng kape, feel kong jumebs. Katulad ngayon, kakatapos ko lang uminom ng kapeng may creamer at nafi-feel ko nanaman ang urge na umupo sa kubeta. Pinipigil ko lang. Naalala ko tuloy ang isang radio ad na madalas i-air sa Wave 89.1: "Huwag kumain ng papaya, baka mapururot sa kubeta." (Bigkasin nang mabagal na mala-bisayang Rex Navarete and dating.) Siguro dapat din nilang sabihin na: "Huwag uminom ng kape, baka ikaw ay matae." Ewan ko ba. Caffeine o coffee-intolerant ba ako o talagang bulok lang ang tiyan ko? Ma at pa.

Masarap uminom ng kape sa umaga, lalo na kapag may kasamang yosi. Pag umiinom ako ng kape, gusto kong nagyoyosi sa baba ng building namin (dahil dun lang naman puwede - bwisit na Anti-Smoking ordinance yan!). Dun sa stairway marami ka ring makikita at mahuhuling nagyoyosi -- mga nagsusunog ng baga nila habang nakikipagchikahan at chakahan sa mga kapwa nila ofismeyts, pinag-uusapan ang leytest balita tungkol sa macho gwapitong si Sgt. Trillanes at ang kabobohang ginawa niya at mga kapwa niyang ideyalista sa Oakwood. Minsan ay maririnig mo rin silang pinag-uusapan ang pagkamuhi nila sa kanilang mga boss, tipong: "Bwisit na unggoy yun! And dami-daming pinagagawa sa'kin! Eh kung sa kaniya ko kaya ipagawa lahat ng pinapagawa niya sa'kin?! Ano akala niya sa akin?! May walong kamay?!" Minsan naman din ay maririnig mo ang mga mala-konyong empleyado na nagdedebate tungkol sa mga 'triumphs at victories' nila sa trabaho: "Shit, dude! I was able to close the deal with Katutay Inc. and because of that I'm going to get a bloody raise in my salary. Is't that uber-fantastic?" (sabay kindat). Shempre mejo exaggerated na ang pagkakuwento ko, pero parang ganon na rin ang essence nun.

Minsan habang nagyoyosi, may makikilala ka at may meron kang kakaasaran. Nung isang araw nga may chumika saking isang lalaking mukhang executive. Sa HSBC daw siya nagwo-work. Under daw siya ng Investmant Banking department. Tanong pa siya sa akin kung kailan daw sinimulan ang pagbabawal nang pagyoyosi sa walkway. Sus! Istayla niya lang yun para kausapin ako. Alam ko naming unang kita niya palang sa akin, type na niya ko. *Dagoink! Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko. So mabalik tayo sa sinasabi ko. So itong lalaking ito, mga bente-siyete na ang edad siguro. Hindi 'siguro'... 'malamang'. Ang sama ko ba? Hehe. Patawad, tao lang po. First impression ko sa kaniya? Mabait at matalino. At mukhang may asawa't anak na. Patawad uli. So like for ten minutes we talked about the dull topic of Investments and his travels abroad. Pabalik-balik daw siya sa Singapore, Hong Kong at dito dahil dun sa 3 bansang iyon siya based. Impreysiv di ba? All I can say is, "whatever". Hindi, pa-demure effect lang ako. "Actually... I was just cooling down..." Ay mali! Actually, na-amaze ako sa kaniya at sa mga achievements niya. Biruin mo, maka-raise ka daw ba ng P74 B in government shares? Hindi ka ba mamamangha at magtataka kung san nakukuha ng gobyerno ang pera at kung bakit patuloy pa rin ang korupsyon? O tama na. Di naman ako aktibista. I'm apateytic!

So ganito ang buhay ko ngayon. Nagsisimula sa isang kapeng nakakapagpahilo ng tiyan sabay yosi para masunog ang baga. Minsa'y umaasam na sana'y may makasama't makausap na matino habang naka yosi break. Sa susunod sana hindi executive ng HSBC ang kumausap sa akin. *kindat, kindat.

2003-08-05T10:16:00.000+08:00

It's been a while.

I do hope I still know how to bloggerize. :)

Ako'y lumulutang sa isang panaginip
Tila hindi panaginip
Hubad ang mga taong palakad-lakad
Sa landas ng mga kalansay
Hindi lumilingon,
Hindi tumitingin
Natatapakan ang mga buto
Hindi dumadaing
Hindi tumitingin
Manhid ang balat nilang dumadapo sa dilim
Hindi natatakot
Hindi tumitingin

San ka pupunta,
Kaluluwang gala?
Dilat ang mga mata mong
Nakatingin sa lupa
Hindi man lang namamalayang
Buhay ka pa.

2003-07-20T20:24:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Wonderful (Stone Temple Pilots)

ENTRY WRITTEN ON JULY 17, THURSDAY...

I stole some time from work just so I could work up a new entry for my blog. Que pasa for me then? Oh, nothing much... just enjoying the view of Ayala Avenue while sipping cold green apple soda from my green mug. Sounds nice eh? Yeah, it is nice. Well, more than nice. It's GREAT! I've finally found a job which suits me well. Although of course I'm never certain of what the future really holds for me, but as of now, I'm pretty much enjoying Makati life.

Two weeks ago, I was staring meanly at the monitor, trying to craft new texts for a gawddamn lousy summary report. This week, I'm still quite in the same state... but circumstances have suddenly morphed into a better form... having a new computer, a cubicle of my own, a trash bin, office supplies, the comfort of a nearby Starbucks joint, and more importantly, a job which actually makes sense...

I am happy. Very much happy. I'm earning a 5-digit salary a month and I'm not subjected to wearing boring plaid uniforms. I get a 15-min yosi break both in the morning and in the afternoon and the perks are great!: we get free movie premiere tickets, free mags and we get to meet hotsa AEs almost everyday! Yeehaw! But mind you, I'm no Butch. I just know how to appreciate feminine beauty.

Well, that's it for now.

I would just like to quote something from Paulo Coelho,"By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept":

"No single day is the same as any other and that each morning brings its own special miracle, its magic moment in which ancient universes are destroyed and new stars created."

Amen.

And I love Starbucks' Coffee Jelly Frap!!! Slurp!!! :)

2003-06-29T15:19:00.000+08:00

"You are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet." Coolness. :)

2003-06-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Coffee and TV (Blur)

Well, I am now oficially a careerwoman. Yak! The title doesn't suit me at all. After much pondering, I am now left in this bewildered state... well not really, OA lang yun. Somehow I just feel that I'm still too young to be working... too young kasi I look young pa. Charing! *Dagoink!*

But seriously, I feel as though I'm still immature if you place me in juxtaposition with my "not-so-young" co-employees. Blech! "Co-employees!". I'd rather go for such terms as "classmates, roomates or orgmates". Hay, I miss going to school na talaga... I miss waking up at around 8 in the blasted morning, eating mamom for breakfast (sometimes not eating at all), attending shitty classes, spending idle time in the tambayan, turning into a screwed-up android due to term papers, partey-ing!, staying up late at night for a 'majestic stargazing experience'/ game of Pusoy Dos, eating lots of junkfood, throwing tissue paper at stupid passersby... that's life. Well, that WAS life. Sigh.

Well, it was nice to have a break from all the monotony of work. Yesterday, I went to Taft for Drew, Gail and Popper's birthday bash. And I must say, the boys' pad is truly great! Astig! And sarap ng food... Busog!

I look forward to another get-together with my friends.

2003-06-25T21:57:00.000+08:00

May trabaho na ako... woohoo!!!!... pero di naman ganon kaganda.... but what the hey!

At least may pang shopping na ako.

Hahahahaha!

2003-06-22T19:40:00.000+08:00

Music playing: First Taste (Fiona Apple)

I am soooooooooo happy!!! La lang! Kasi may HP Book 5 na rin ako! At akala ko mauubusan na ako ng copy.

Babaw mode. Weeeeeeeee!!!

2003-06-19T21:04:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Teardrops (Massive Attack)

If we only have the divine power to preserve every nano-second of time or force it to reverse its movement in accordance with our movements and desires, then life would have been better, definitely better for both of us. There would have been no regrets, no 'what ifs', no disillusioned souls trying to fool themselves out of the inevitable. There would have been no maleficent vendetta plotted, no cuss words exchanged... no shirts drenched in bitter tears.

Breathing would have been much easier... as we inhale a blithe sequence of memories worthy to be placed in the archives of our mind. But we don't have that, don't we? All we have are letters -- letters that does not even fully represent what we really are and what we really want. You yourself have misunderstood my intentions. You told me so. But you should have understood better, knowing that I'm a much purer soul unaware of such things as 'deceit' and 'disloyalty'.

And now we are clutching on to the vestiges of things past while you force and fool yourself to try to be the person I want you to be. There's no need for that. I'll gladly have you as you are... if only you were stronger and your ego, not inundated by selfish and weak thoughts.

Now you say you have reconciled your thoughts... and you're now asking me back.

But as I say again, if only you were stronger and more genuine as you compel youself to be...

Then, you would still have me.

2003-06-17T15:16:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Could You Be Loved (Damian Marley)

I forced myself to watch 'Blue Crush' today just so I can forget, for an hour and a half, all about this dreary and gothic weather. Plus, I'm not about to go all senti-mode today, not with these nasty menstrual cramps.

Hm. I figured... if ever I'm going to be a famous athlete, I want to be a surfer. That'd be totally rockin'. Surfing defines the new breed of women as independent, strong, and fierce -- with this "i'll eat you alive if you touch me" attitude. I wanna be like that. Yeah. ;) (Parang ang feeling ko naman dito. Hihihihi.)

Well, if not a surfer, I dont mind being a basketball star or a swimmer or a soccer player. I'd rather get into a sport that is kinda 'male-ish'. Not that I'm saying that 'feminine' type of sports are for sissies. I just have this vicious desire to be a really great athlete in, as I've said -- 'male-ish' sports, so that I could kick the males species' asses. Haha.

2003-06-15T17:57:00.000+08:00

Music Playing: Summertime (Athenaeum)

The earthy, stale vapor rises yet again from the wet ground as a consequence of the dear gods' miseries. In short, "Putik! umuulan nanaman!!! Shet!!!!! I heyt da rainy sison!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Oh well. I'll just listen to my compilation of 'Summerama' songs and pretend that the season's till normal and just.

I hate the rain.

A phooey.

Hm, I was inspired by Rita's random lists so I made a list of my own -- on my aversions... and little things that tick me off:

1. i totally despise spiders, roaches, ticks, and large flying insects that create a 'thud-like'sound everytime they hit fluorescent bulbs (stupid insects!)
2. stalkers, geeks and deludanoids freak me out -- ergo, I hate them
3. have no patience for people who are irritatingly WOLS (ano yung WOLS? SLOW!!! )
4. i totally loathe ma-EPAL people
5. i don't like sushi or sashimi or any Jap raw food - the sight of uncooked beef/seafood/pork grosses me out
6. i don't like it when people i don't know crosses my turf and messes with my stuff -- so beware, i might give you a kick-ass 45 for that!
7. i have an aversion for people who reek of vinegar+body odor+cologne. Ugh! Totally appalling smell... and i know one person who smells like this.
8. i don't like squash, okra, ampalaya, and onion
9. i hate the song "Hotel California", amongst others
10. i get easily turned off with pathetic males who give me the 'kawawa naman ako kasi you won't give me a goodnight kiss and you don't like answering my phone calls'-look (who wouldn't be?)
11. obviously, i hate the rain.
12. i really can't bear the taste of pure gin. Blech!

2003-06-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Pain Killer (Turin Brakes)

I got quite rocked today. Woke up at around 5 in the hellish morning and went to Pasig City for a job interview at URC. I arrived at the place an hour way too early... and so for about 60 minutes I did a little bonding with my cellphone's radio. The exam was pree-tti long - about 2 and a half hours although I'm glad to say that this time, my brain didn't experience a major drain as compared to the total brain squeeze i underwent when I took up other test batteries before (which were really debilitating and complicated). After the exam, I had lunch with my buddy Iris and her friends and then afterwards, I went back to the HRD for an interview.

After the interview, I went to UP to pass my civil service form. And since I was in UP, I decided to visit my PUGAD family. *Heaves a sigh* Man oh man oh man, it was really a gratifying and ecstacy-filling sight to see my PUGAD friends again. I really missed them. And it was really really nice to get an "Oh-my-God-you're here!" reaction from Lio. Hehe. Missed you bro.

A 2-hour 'reunion' with the old gang (hehe, old gang...) made me forget all about the stressful job hunts and all the other stinging thoughts troubling my mind. It was really refreshing to see Lio play the harmonica again (with so much passion) whilst the others rhytmically provide the lyrics for the song "Kaibigan". *Reminisces PUGAD turn-over memories*.

Sigh.

I want to go back to school again.

2003-06-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Special Needs (Placebo) & Jukebox Breakdown (Saves The Day)

Ayon sa aking horoscope:

"The littlest things are pulling you off course now. This isn't a bad thing, for if you could allow yourself to enjoy these minor diversions, the smile on your face could reach all the way up to your ears. But, something is holding you back from going all the way. Don't blame anyone else. Take responsibility for building your own walls."

Ibig sabihin ba nito na ang daang aking tinatahak ay ang masalimuot na mundo ng paghahanap ng okupasyon? At ang mga maliliit na bagay na bahagyang ininilalayo ako sa aking dapat patunguhan ay ang: "sleeping, staying up late, surfing the net, editing my blog, etc. etc."? Tunay ngang hanggang tainga ang aking ngiti kapag ako ay nakakatulog na mahaba at mahimbing. :) Ako'y lubusang nagagalak.

Tama. Kailangang maging responsible.

Malabo...

Ako.

tarush!!!!!

2003-06-09T14:56:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Calypso (Spiderbait)

For the past weeks, my self-esteem has plunged down deep into an abyss and has left me in a much doubting state. In almost ally my entries, I kept on ranting about my dejection and failures in looking for the perfect job. An agonizing month of being in a jobless state has left me jaded and... pathetic.

But now... I've been repossessed by a new energy. For some reason, my depression is beginning to wear away and I owe it all to my friends who have been constantly reminding me to remain strong during these trying times when everything seems to be going in another direction and I seem to be losing all reason to believe in myself. Maybe they are right. Maybe God really does have a plan for me and I guess all I have to do is wait and believe that it will truly happen.

Rejection is part of life. We must learn to embrace it and treat it is a learning experience, just like mistakes. Now the dark sky seems to be clearing up.

And as I've written in a Psych Completion Test: "The future looks ____________________." --- bright.

2003-06-07T14:35:00.000+08:00

Music playing: To Be Free (Emiliana Torrini)

I am so poofed out. For three consecutive days, I've been going to Makati for job interviews and exams. I took the exam at P&G last Thursday and I'm pretty sure that I ain't gonna pass the test. Not that the exam was totally complex. The time alloted for the exam just wasn't enough - I mean, 60 minutes for 50 items? It would take an average person about 3 mins. to answer one math problem (well, not unless he's a total Math god). And my orgmate told me that the cut-off grade that must be met to be able to pass the exam is 42/50. Dang! Oh man, oh man, oh man. Another great oppurtunity lost. Sigh. :(

Oh, for those avid fans of Tori Amos and Bjork, I recommend Emiliana Torrini. She sounds a bit Bjorkish... and she's pretty. And her songs are the melancholic/ethereal type which just gives one the feeling of falling into a deep stupor. Nice. :)

2003-06-06T18:41:00.000+08:00

Music playing: But Anyway(Splender)

Ah. Just last Monday, I went through a 'transrectal ultrasound' session. A trans-hans-what?! Um, transrectal ultrasound - an excruciatingly uncomfortable process wherein a globular-tipped instrument is inserted inside one's rectum and then rotated to view the state of the reproductive organs. It was a really mortyfing experience.

The results of the ultrasound showed that I had a corpus luteum cyst in my left ovary and collapsed fallopian tubes in the other ovary. Sounds a bit too technical and serious right? But no need to worry. The doctor said that my condition is quite normal. Weird. Well at least I don't have to ingest any funky-tasting tab or eat a plateful of malunggay for that. :P

On to the lighter side of things...

Astig ng album ng Splender! Although I was quite flabbergasted (hehe, i like this word) when I found out that the band kinda resembles most of the ultra-pop punk boy bands that are just scattered all over the radio and video scene. But what the hey, astig pa rin sila!

"But anyway, I just can't be myself today apparently
But anyway, cause nothing seems to come to me so easily
But anyway, cause I mistake memories for company
But what a day, I've gotta say
I can't believe in myself today
Sitting on the bed, every finger spread...
I think I'd better wait, I'm starting to deflate..."

Oh. I am so looking forward to watching "Finding Nemo". :)

2003-06-03T20:48:00.000+08:00

Music playing: -Wala-

Powtah. Hindi ako pumasa sa exam sa Meralco. Bobo na ba talaga ako?

Depressed ako.

Wala na akong gana mag job-hunt.

Nawawalan na rin ako ng gana mag post ng entry dito sa blog ko.

Maganda si Lucy Torres sa Pantene commercial niya. Maganda rin si Donita sa Lux commercial niya. Maganda sila.

2003-06-01T16:57:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Sorry Ms. Jackson (The Vines version)

A solitary saunter around Galleria is quite an interesting experience (even though the feeling of probably looking P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C in the eyes of attached individuals can leave you quite ill-at-ease.) You get to meet people from your meaningful past unexpectedly - people of the opposite sex who were and are just plain A-S-S-holes... and who are unbearably attached as well (the sight kinda slaps you in the face and at the same time just makes you want to gag).

And then you get to meet and be with this person who was again, a part of your significant past, a really significant past.

It's the case of the Return of the Ex.

Unfortunately (for HIM), I still wasn't stripped off that bitter feeling caused by our tragic relationship before. It very much reminded me to hold on to my holy staff of self-control. However... honestly I admit that I was genuinely happy to see him, even if he did gain a hell lot of weight. And man, he still has that charisma... and gawd I hate him more for that! How can someone so assholic still be so charming?

I know it's foolish of me to even want to admit this... but I'm considering the idea of getting back with him.

But I know it's wrong. Too damn wrong! I don't want to be labeled as a "stupid chick who fell into the case-of-the-ex trap".

I know I'm smarter and stronger than that.

2003-05-29T21:03:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Communication (Cardigans)

"That's the way the cookie crumbles". "Good. Ghhuuuddd."

Hehe. I saw Bruce Almighty with my mom today at ATC. The movie was a little cheesy but it was really gawd-damn funny! ;)

Oh. I also bought Cardigan's latest album: "Long Gone Before Daylight". The album is really ghhuuud. The music is entrancing and very soothing at the same time... quite perfect for the rainy season... makes me wanna sleep. :)

2003-05-28T21:24:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Without You (Silverchair)

Just came from a job interview today. Gawd, I really wanted the job (even though I was still clueless as to what the nature of the job was prior to my interview). But what the heck. That was J. Walter Thompson offering me a job! If you must know, JWT is the world's first advertising agency and the fourth biggest agency in the whole world as well. I wouldn't mind summoning even the entire cosmos just to get whatever job the company would offer me. But then during the interview, I found to my dismay... that the job was only temporary. Transient. Base to base casis. Ay mali! Case to case basis pala. Ay, wrong context pa din! The job? A Project Manager position. Sounds big time right? Manager! But hey, it would only last for about four months. And as project manager, I will be handling the project by myself! Talk about total pressure, man. A lonesome soul amidst a chaotic and intricate world of below-the-line advertising. Fierce!

Jeez, what now? Should I go for the job, even if it would last for just a quarter of a year? I wonder how big the salary would be. If they're going to pay me grand Gs for the project, heck I'll go grab the opportunity!

Hmm...decisions, decisions.

What now?

Of course when I came home and relayed the job description to my parents, my mother's initial reaction was: "Ano?! Kontraktwal?! Nako wag na! Bumiyahe-biyahe ka pa sa bagyo tapos yun lang ang ibibigay sa'yong trabaho?!" Hay. I was expecting that kind of stormy reaction. On the other hand, my dad was 'quite ok' with the job. Well, he shares the same sentiment as that of my friends'. They said that the experience is going to be good for me. Why, it's J Walter Thompson we're talking about!

Hmm, I hope they're right. I hope that the job experience will help me reap plus, plus points from various employers in my future job-hunting quests.

Hm... but wait. I haven't been accepted for the job yet. Hihi. :)

Oh well. I'll just deal with the matter when I do get a phone call... from God? Um no, from them. ;P

2003-05-27T14:16:00.000+08:00

Music playing: Lonely Day (Phantom Planet)

On dreaming:

Last night, I came across some girl's journal. In her latest entry, she made up a list of goals that she so indomitably plans to achieve, probably in the next two to ten years. One of her goals is to be the CEO of this broadcasting network. I was quite impressed really but at the same time I felt a little queasy. I can not even see myself as the CEO of any company... because I believe that I don't possess enough character and potential to handle such a complicated and exigent job as that of a CEO.

I both loathe and admire individuals who can envision themselves all sheathed in this shroud of success and who are continuously exerting much effort to achieve their dreams. I am not a dreamer. Because dreams are just intangible forms which make us hope for things that we know are quite impossible to manifest themselves in reality.

My mind is jammed with all these negative and bleak thoughts. What if I don't pass the interview (because I keep on giving really horrific answers to really simple questions)? What if I do get accepted for this job, would I be able to live up to the expectations of my boss and co-employees? Worse - what if I don't get a good job at all, soon?

I am pessimistic. I know. But honestly... I do want to become the CEO of an advertising company. I do want to have a business of my own. I really want to be a successful career woman.

I just don't know if I can achieve all these.

2003-05-26T16:39:00.000+08:00

There are many things that are worth some brooding over. Firstly (and the topic which continuously runs me over and leaves me always grappling for the answer), on Love. Nyak! Ano raw? Love? Define love. Nakaw, change topic nalang. Love is quite an impalpable idea that I should just leave with all the other things in my life that are tagged as 'surreal'. Let's contemplate on the more important and 'real' things... on this dreaded four letter word that I’m pretty sure most fresh graduates (hint, hint) are trying to evade...but to no avail (well unless they've chosen the holy path towards "bumhood" that is). Hindi ito love uli noh! Work po! Ah, yes...W-O-R-K! My quest for that elusive advertising job position has not been metted with success yet. But I'm getting there. Pramis, I am. Well actually, it wouldn't hurt to call on God and ask for his almighty blessing right? Sige na po Lord, tulungan niyo po ako. :)

Hm. As with job interviews, I consider myself a pro in that field. Nakaw, ako pa? My first interview, gawd! Perfect! Unang tanong palang ng interviewer, natameme na ako. "Describe yourself". "A-a-a-ano po? Describe myself?" Shit, what the crap am I gonna say? That I'm an ultimately erratic person who wants to kill herself by smoking too much? That my goal in life really is not to let myself be a galley-slave for any company but to just find a good man who would marry me, give me a good life and allow me to have great kids with him? What do I have to do win any job position? I know, just feed the interviewer with an entire serving of crap! And make-up lame stories on how you were able to pull out a dying organization from the marshes. The truth is, I don't have any WOW experiences that I could slap any employer with. I wouldn't even consider my short internship stint at that now extinct Datacom Company a good experience at all. And my cum laude title's really worth nothing. It's just a TITLE, right?

Man, I haven't felt more insecure and low in my whole life. Graduating cum laude doesn't give too much of a security you know...what with all the great graduates out there!

I know it's quite pointless to be ranting about like this. But job-hunting can really be dead depressing.

Sabi nila 'think positive always' and during interviews, just be confident. Sige, gagawin ko nga yun. Kapag hindi nag-work, iiyak na lang uli ako. :)

2003-05-25T14:22:00.000+08:00

I heave a sigh and give the wall an empty stare. Hay.
I miss life. I miss our boarding house room. I miss my two overly psychotic doormates: tish and mille. I miss the PUGAD tambayan and its beautiful inhabitants (hehe). I miss UP. And gawd! I miss smoking yosh!!! Abrupt withdrawal is really bad, baby.

2003-05-24T20:24:00.000+08:00

The summer season is now in defunct mode (well for the meantime actually). It's going to be another, ooh i dunno, 6 months of monotonous downpour. Boy do I hate the rain! I know I'm supposed to glorify Mother Nature for her wonderful blessing. The earth do needs agua. Most especially the plants. But do the words 'rain-ground stench' mean anything... to you? Singaw ng lupa po, pag nabasa ng ulan. Mabaho. Oh I can't wait for this year's incoming batch of horrendous flood. Yes. Horrendous. Almost every year, after a great deluge, my room gets transformed into this mucky tub of floating roaches. Kadiri noh? And did I mention the stench...again? Hay. Kawawa naman ang room ko.

Wait. The Cardigans are back! Yey! Their latest song, "For What It's Worth" is really...well...nice. Just nice. :)

2003-05-24T17:35:00.000+08:00

Oh shit! It's been what, 6 days and I'm still sick! Actually, I've quite developed a penchant for not-so-cold H20, mangoes and rice with lotsa garlic now. Eeuyuck! Gross, really. People have been asking me about this 'uncanny' sickness I have. No, it's not uncanny. I just like to describe it that way. It's just a flu, I think. Or maybe worse. Six days, dude. Six days. If this really galling and uncomfortable throbbing in my head does not go away by tomorrow, I swear... iiyak na ko. Shet!

2003-05-23T22:13:00.000+08:00

Damn fuck! I didn't know starting out a blog (well actually fixing the layout of my own blog) would be so darn confusing! To think that I should find web layouting a little easier now 'coz I have a background in HTML writing! A phooey! Plus, my fucked up second browser is not helping. To hell with Opera!